Interview with “Mister Manners”: Thomas Farley
When it comes to sharing your experience with fertility treatments, it’s tough to know how much is too much information to tell friends, family and colleagues, and how much is not enough.
On the flip side, it’s also tough to know what to say to loved ones who are going through fertility treatments or challenges as they start or expand their families.
So, I spoke with my good friend, well-known etiquette expert, Thomas Farley, who shared some insight on how to address your situation so that you’re not lying, but you’re not sharing more than you want to.
What’s your advice on sharing the fact that you’re going through a fertility journey?
I would start by saying that I think it’s terrific we’re living in an age where the taboo about the subject of fertility/infertility has fallen away as much as it has. Stories are now out there in the media, and we all know someone in this situation of going through fertility treatments or experiencing infertility. It’s not as scary or forbidden as it would’ve been maybe 10 years ago, and that’s a good thing.
By the same token, it really is up to each individual or couple to make a decision about how much they want to share. It is personal and sensitive for many, and nobody should feel any obligation to divulge what they’re going through like it’s anyone else’s birthright to know this information.
So as you start the process and the emotions and physical changes you’re going through, make some upfront decisions about what you want to share and with whom you want to share it.
Do you tell your workplace why you’re often late or MIA during a treatment cycle? If so, how do you broach this?
If your company is big enough to have an HR department, start there. They can be your ally and if your boss or someone is hyper-demanding and won’t provide the listening ear you might need, HR may provide it and help you with next steps.
(Editor’s note: If possible, put in writing what you share with your boss and/or HR about your situation.)
If you’re working for a really small company, like a startup, and there is no HR department, then you are going to have to have a conversation with the boss. Still, don’t feel like you have to divulge every last detail.
You can keep it somewhat simple and say something like:
“I’m bringing this to you because it will affect my coming and going from the office. I want you to know that I’m not out job hunting and I don’t want you to be concerned. I am going through fertility treatments this month, and there’s an unavoidable component to that. During the treatment, I will need more time out of the office. I want you to know I’m committed to providing the solid performance and work commitment that you’ve come to expect from me in the past. I will make up for any time not in the office. I’d like to work together with you on figuring out a schedule for doing so and wanted to bring this to your attention.”
If you encounter a boss who says it’s not possible for you to do this, then it might be time to consult an employment attorney. Even if you feel your boss won’t understand, it’s better to have this conversation face-to-face before this process begins and you’re in treatment. You don’t want to have the talk when you’re on the rollercoaster of treatment and emotions. The conversation isn’t going to go better when you’re in the midst of it! If you don’t like the response, you’ll have to consider what other options there are. Can you remain in this position and still execute your duties the way they’re structured? Can you schedule very early morning visits? What are your options? If you feel like you’re at a dead end, a conversation with an employment lawyer can be a wise thing.
How do you tell people what you’re going through, without offering too much?
Remember, this is your process; you set the rules for how, when, and if you divulge. You’re under zero obligation to share any of this. It can be helpful to discuss it with others who have been through this; but that’s your decision.
Your focus should be on your health and family planning and you should not add additional worry to the mix like, “How much should I share with my neighbors?” Sometimes the more you share, the more questions they may ask that you’re not ready to answer. Unless you’re someone who lives your life as an open book and that’s the expectation with you and your friends, share as much as you want to and gauge the audience. (If someone seems uncomfortable, maybe it’s best not to share with that person.)
If you’re looking for a guiding principle, here’s one: I would not be discussing this with every person you meet at a cocktail party! This could be shared with your close friends, your family, your partner and I would close off the circle there. I wouldn’t be discussing it too broadly.
What about social media? Do you post about your process there?
I would not be going to social media with this! Sending a tweet that you just had IVF – I just don’t think it helps you in any measure, whatsoever. It’s far better to have one-on-one conversations with people you trust. And, the reason you share the journey with these people is because you can count on their support and discretion. This is something you’re only telling them. You can let them know by saying something like, “Among our circle of friends, the only people who know are blank and blank so I’d appreciate you keeping it in confidence.”
How should people, like the parents or friends of someone navigating infertility, handle the awkward probing questions?
I would not give a direct answer to someone asking about your loved one. Someone who doesn’t know your child or friend well enough to ask themselves shouldn’t ask someone else. It’s just nosy.
I would say, “That’s something I don’t get into with my daughter. It’s a private matter with her husband and if and when they decide to have children, they’ll share that. I respect their privacy.”
Bottom line: You don’t owe anyone explanations for what or why you’re doing something in your personal life.
For more, follow Thomas at @mistermanners or find him at whatmannersmost.com